I have a gift.
I've known about my ability since I was young. At first, I tried to hide it. I wasn't sure what others would think. I was afraid of the consequences. Some people may call it a sixth sense. I consider it both a blessing and a curse.
I can memorize commercial jingles and one-liners.
We sit in our living room, staring at the bulky, silver television. The screen is rounded, glass – a device atypical to the sleek, LED TVs lining store shelves today. We're watching "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami." Go ahead, laugh. I like the show. It's mind-numbing and envy-inducing and glamorous and gross, everything you could want for your weekend viewing pleasure. Not only are we watching KKTM – yeah, I just used the abbrev, whatevs – but we're watching our fourth episode in a row.
"Life is amazing with the love that I've... found." Kraft cheese. I sing it like it's my anthem, but I don't eat really Kraft packaged cheese. Kellie looks at me, making a comment along the lines of "there she goes again." I know she secretly loves it.
Kanye and Kim are dating, if you weren't aware. This is pre-pregnancy, though he just sent her their first child via UPS. A cat. They name her Mercy. It's a wonder they can take care of themselves. How can they keep the white fur-ball from getting poo all over it's bottom, they ask. Smartphones to the rescue. Siri, how do you clean a cat's butt? Kim loses Mercy somewhere in the room the first night.
"Friskies, feed the senses." I use perfect pitch. I don't have a cat. I think cat food looks gross. I do, however, eat tuna out of the can sometimes. Contradictory? Maybe. Perhaps I am the cat they are marketing to. Kellie laughs at my vocals again. Brittany joins in with her.
A new episode. Scott's being an asshole to Kourtney, as usual. Today he's making a comment about her weight. Apparently 115 is too heavy and shouldn't she be able to get back down to 98 and he fell in love with her when she was super skinny and... god, Scott would think I'm a cow. One of them throws in a comment about the girls' vaginas for good measure.
"Safe-light repair, safe-light replace." I do have a car. They're getting warmer.
I may be the marketer's dream. I can remember the tunes, I hum them in the shower. I recite the taste the rainbow's and because you're worth it's, the maybe it's Maybelline's and the I'm lovin' it's. They're really just falling on deaf ears, though. I consume their messages, sing them to the masses. But I rarely buy into the hype. I am not the marketer's dream.
"How do you do it?" Kellie asks. "It's a gift," I say.
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This has nothing to do with the above reflection on media. Today, I saw a squirrel on a barren tree, one of the smallest and skimpiest on campus. The branch it was on was maybe the circumference of a pencil, and the branch was bouncing up and down, the squirrel was holding on for dear life. I laughed so hard. It's the small things.
I hope that squirrel survived the rickety branch! If he fell, I blame you, Angela. Or she. Oh god, what if she had squirrel babies? How could you?
ReplyDeleteOnly joking. I really liked this post, especially after reading about your take on "Bachelor." I think you could even combine these two into a longer piece, with your unique talent adding Angela-flavor to the reality-shows-are-the-devil gospel.
On this piece specifically though, I enjoyed how you formatted it, sewing in your little bits of jingles here and there. You meshed the two concepts well, and in a neat way. I can expect a melding of consumerism and reality shows, but you did it unconventionally. Nice.
One thing, though, could you be more pointed about your Kardashian anecdotes? Maybe link them more closely to the jingles. Obviously you did it well enough, but I think there's some room for more commentary.
God this was so good, the tuna/cat food part was spectacular.
ReplyDeleteI like the squirrels at OU. They are the reason I decided to enroll here. I saw one with half a slice of goodfella's pizza the other day. Who the hell would throw away goodfella's?
ReplyDeleteGod, people.
I have somewhat the same problem but with quoting crappy/corny/cliché movie lines. I once went an entire day quoting Elf. I've been on a Barney Stinson quoting kick lately. I wonder why people still hang out with me?
I fancy Mish's idea of somehow combining all these love/hate relationships and your catchy jingles into one grand piece. Maybe I'm being too ambitious but I feel like that would be a sweet topic for your longer essay. I'd like to see more commentary about yourself through your talent of jingle reciting. I feel like I'm rambling now.
Agreeing with the lat paragraph of MMG and with AC (and with ML, for that matter).
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the essay is about the way you let things--catchy things--wash over you, and also how they have no effect; but I think you need to acknowledge how improbable that is. Even if you don't buy cat food, or car insurance, or McDonald's, the fact that you're inundated-to-the-point-of-love by ads and vapidity has to mean something.
(I am too, of course. "Who do you call when your windshield's busted. Call. Giant Glass.")
Anyway. This is funny. I like it most when the jingles react with the paragraphs about the show.
Third essay of yours where I think you might be going sharp, and then again, I'm never absolutely sure that you're bearing your critical teeth. What are you doing to me Angela Ignasky?! I like everything to be laid out on a silver platter for me so that I don't have to do any hard thinking! None of this complicated-feelings-about-culture business.
Kidding of course. I love mixed feelings.
Unrelatedly,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn5AIJVv6Ow&feature=player_embedded
Very funny essay. Have you seen the 1993 action movie Demolition Man? It's kind of just... ok... I only ask because it takes place in a dystopian future where everyone listens to "oldies" music, but their definition of oldies is commercial jingles from the 20th century.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the only restaurant in the world is Taco Bell, which won the Franchise Wars. And there is a particularly prescient reference to the Schwarzenneger Library.
I nominate the Mentos jingle for all time best.